Who's in the Box?

"When I lived by Jake in 'tosa, he told me he was in a death league. Was anyone else in the league? If so, someone could be kicking ass right now." - Joe Z

There are few things you do in your life that wind up being truly legendary. Things that you continue to talk about and be reminded of for years after they happen. Memories that are etched so deeply that they will be the final remains of your consciousness when you yourself are but a blathering sack of flesh ready slip the surly bonds of Earth. And every time you say, "remember when?" the story is as fresh and intriguing as when it first happened. Perhaps more so, because the passage of time allows you to stand back and witness the true grandeur of that thing - the enormity of which was not apparent to you when it was happening in real time. For those of us who played in it, the Celebrity Death League certainly fits into that category of things. Every time there is a run of celebrity deaths, someone, somewhere, without fail, will remember that league.

I would imagine that in some computer archive somewhere I've got the spreadsheets with everyone's 'rosters'. I can't even remember how long ago we played. I do remember that for the duration of the league, there was "still Hope." Bob Hope died in 2003 at the age of 100, so it was at least that long ago.

For the past number of years I've actually been kicking around an idea in my head for a new kind of Celebrity Death League. This is odd to say now, but the major flaw in the old league was that is was so boring. We got together and drafted a bunch of famous old people and then just sat back and waited for them to die. When one of them actually did, it was a big deal, especially for the 'owner' of that celeb, but otherwise there really wasn't any active participation - no trades, no weekly lineups. It just sort of sat there.

My idea for the new league is that it would run more like the stock market than like a draft-and-hold league. You would start off with some number of 'points' - say 100. You would use those points to buy contracts on living celebrities. When a celebrity dies, the contracts would pay out at a rate of 100 minus the celebrity's age. The younger the celebrity, the more valuable the payout. Then, when one of your celebrities dies, you can use the payout to buy contracts on other celebrities or keep the points in your 'cash reserve.' In the mean time, you can buy and sell contracts with other players in the league. For each contract you own, you would be required to post an 'asking price'. Any other owner could then buy that contact from you for your asking price - first come first served. If you need to free up some points and you can't find someone to buy your contracts, you can dump them for half of what you paid. The winner would be the owner who through either celebrity deaths or shrewd trading, accumulates the most points by the end of the year defined by the value of his cash reserve plus the value of the contracts he owns.

You could still have a draft, but instead of taking turns selecting celebrities, you would nominate them in a series of IPOs. There would be a bidding process for the contract on each celebrity. Over the course of the year, new celebrities could be nominated through a similar IPO process. One owner might say, "I offer to buy Woody Allen for 3 points." There would be a 1-week period in which any other owner could then up that bid. At the end of one week whoever has the highest bid now owns the contract on Woody Allen. Let's say he sells for 5. You would then post him on your roster and post an asking price for his contract - maybe 8. If someone comes along and buys his contract from you, you profit 3 points. If Woody Allen dies, the owner of the contract gets 27 points (100 minus his age of 73). One of the reasons for keeping the bidding process open for one week is that you couldn't quick buy up a contract of someone who was in a car accident this morning, hoping for a quick profit. If you do, and that celebrity dies before the bidding period is over, whoever has high bid will wind up buying a contact with no payout.

There would obviously be a lot of details to flush out and cans of worms to close, but the rules could evolve as they do in any league. With the Internet, this could obviously all be done online. Wha-da-ya say? You in the box?